Our very un-wedding wedding

04.04.2020

5 weeks ago I was shopping with my Aunty in Edinburgh, drinking prosecco and choosing the perfume I would wear on my wedding day. 4 weeks ago my partner, Phil, and I met with the wedding Co-ordinator to walk through the big day- every minute from when we arrived at the hotel, to when we left the following day. Phil and I left feeling organised, calm and prepared. The final countdown was on! Table plan was written, final favours were finished, packing list was complete. 

Then the pandemic picked up pace, and everything unravelled very quickly.

We clung on to optimism until the last possible moment, hoping our wedding could still go ahead. And then again, once it couldn't, we clung on to the hope that we could still get married just the two of us with Tim our Humanist, until we couldn't. Lock down was the final realisation that the date '04.04.2020' that has been in our minds the last 16 months, and that was engraved/ written on absolutely everything to do with the wedding..wasn't going to be the day we hoped. 

The final week countdown was a difficult one. The week that should have been filled with excitement was filled with complete mixed emotions. Messages of support from family and friends- we didn't know what to say. Should we make a plan? Should we just watch films all day? Should we celebrate? What happens if we feel too sad to celebrate? It is a completely surreal experience because these emotions are encased in guilt for even feeling sad- there is a much bigger picture out there, and really, getting married isn't that important- not compared to the health of those around us. But when you are in lock down with limited distractions and the date looming- it is hard not to feel emotion surrounding the date. 

So we made a plan. Get up, morning walk the 2 of us, ordered a fancy take away meal from a local restaurant, and put a bottle of Champagne in the fridge. Best case scenario, we would have a lovely romantic day together, and worst case scenario if we felt too overwhelmed/ sad/ emotional, we would just drink the alcohol and watch lots of films together. 

We messaged our friends the day before, to say that if they had a drink for us or fancied listening to Ray La Montagne (our first dance song) and dancing in their own living room, they should send us a selfie or video of them doing it (highly recommend doing this!!!)

Saturday 4th arrived. I had channelled my emotions the week before into writing my first poem! (no judgement of the actual quality of the poem allowed) So kick started the day by reading this out to Phil. 

After a leisurely start to the day, we opened the door and friends had left a bottle of Champagne on our doorstep, emotional moment number 2 of the day. 

We set off on our walk, and focused our chat on reminiscing about all of the adventures and holidays we have had in the 11 year since knowing each other- this took quite a while and was an incredibly fun way to pass the time whilst walking. 

 We passed some time playing on the Wii on Saturday afternoon (the wedding blackboard had been erased to make a game leaderboard), and then went upstairs to get ready. 

Throughout the day, we got messages, cards, selfies, and some incredible dance videos from some of our fabulous family and friends. We watched them all together and read them out loud. It really made us feel so lucky to have such fantastic friends, and we felt happy, and very much in love and ready to celebrate. So we decided to go big, and put on our wedding gear. Why not? It just means I get to wear this beautiful dress twice and the first time- it's just for us. 

I shouted down the stairs that I was ready, and Phil waited in the living room. He put on the song that I will walk down the aisle to, and I walked down the stairs into our living room. I can't really put into words how we felt when I walked into the room. You can use your imagination. 

Tim our Humanist encouraged us to write our own ceremony, so it was no difficulty going through it ourselves on the day. We read our story, vows, and then listened to friends readings and songs (we requested them to send these through to us before hand!). By playing these through the speaker, we were fully able to absorb the lyrics whilst looking only at each other. No-one else around. 

We decided to exchange rings today too, because to us, a ring is a sign of our commitment to one another, and we felt it was right to start our 'emotionally married' life from today.

It was then time for Champagne! We danced, drank, in the house and in the garden. Neighbours popped their heads over the fence to wish us well. Our meal arrived. Bottle number 2 was opened. The wedding spotify playlist was on. All thoughts of forgetting the day through a film were forgotten. It was just the 2 of us, on our home dance floor, dancing the night away. 

Sunday morning we woke with sore heads and big grins on our faces. I spent the morning re-reading and watching all of the messages from friends, it really had felt like a wedding!

So that's our little love story. Part 1. And now we get to have 2 celebrations, and 2 anniversaries. How great is that?!

I have now turned my thoughts towards other friends due to be getting married this year. It all happened so quickly before ours, it felt like a big shock, but others who's are later in the year have longer to ponder the uncertainty and decide what to do. 

To those people- I would like to use that annoying quote that the kids all use these days. 

"You do you"

If you want to ignore the day- turn off your phones, watch films and just snuggle on the sofa and appreciate having each other. 

If you want to get married the 2 of you (law allowing), then go for it- the party can come later. 

And if it goes ahead- then don't sweat the small stuff and just enjoy it. All of those tiny details I was fretting about seem completely irrelevant now, I won't make the same mistake again when the party does come around. 

Thanks for reading and I wish you well if you are in the midst of wedding- worry. And to finish, I will leave this quote that a friend sent to me this week.

"When you are in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood; like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over rapids, and all aboard are powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all. When you are telling it, to yourself, or to someone else."- Margaret Atwood.

...and what a story this will be to tell :)