The time I broke my collarbone

So 5 weeks out from Berlin Marathon I broke my collarbone.

My X Ray- lots of smaller shards that didn't show up on this photo

Day 1: At least the birthday present Dryrobe was getting use for something!

 First of all my lovely road bike (first ever nice bike purchase, the one I did my Ironman on) got stolen on the Monday, and on Wednesday, when I was tootling to work on my trusty cyclocross bike, leisurely pace, trainers on not clipped in. I hit a pothole, I think), went flying, and shattered my collarbone into more than 4 pieces.I have never broken a bone before, or had a setback like this. 21st August 2019- absolutely devastated.

I have found the journey to recovery a roller coaster to say the least, going from around 12 hours exercise a week, working full time, socialising a lot and being an all round busy bee, to doing nothing and feeling completely helpless. So here's a snapshot of my road to recovery. I'm writing this largely as a cathartic diary and to acknowledge my lovely support network. But I also hope that it can help other sporty people that get injured feel like they are not alone, as I found reading blogs like this particularly helpful to motivate me in the early stages.

 Week 1 passed in a total blur. Lots of codeine, ice, hot water bottles, Netflix and lying down. No time for boredom because I slept a lot and felt tired and sore. Thank you friends and family for all of the flowers, chocolates and well wishes during this time. I felt loved and valued and that played a huge part in keeping me out of the hole of despair. During the latter half of the week, I tried spinning my legs on the turbo to initiate some endorphins and get my blood pumping. I felt amazing when I did this. But the week consisted largely of trying to be kind to myself. Slept the whole week on the sofa as I could only get comfy in 1 position and couldn't fully lie down. 

Week 2 I managed to build up from a couple of walks, to a walk that involved 3 minutes of snail paced jogging. The sun was shining and I felt insanely happy and full of gratitude during this time. Taking in the views, the weather, celebrating my amazing body starting to heal (more energy now as off the codeine and onto paracetamol). Seeing my best girlfriends this week at Sarah's hen do was great for my mental well being, got out of the house, had a glass of wine, and even managed a little dancing. I was exhausted the next day but it was totally worth it. 

 


Week 3 involved a few more highs and lows. I managed some more regular turbos, a 10km run that made me absolutely high on life (followed by lots of resting and icing). This week was also when I think I started to process the accident, felt frustrated that I couldn't remember what happened, sad I had such limited movement with my arm, guilty that I was off work, and a bit lonely. I think this was as my body increased in energy and I was able to jog, I was impatient to get back to full function. Be kind to yourself. My motto of the week. It's OK not to be OK. The Calm app and Mugwort tea (thanks for the recommendation Giulia) were my main coping strategies this week.

Trying out some leg exercise as suggested by my fab brother (PT in Newcastle) 

Quote from the Calm app- my saving grace

Chatting to my brother finding exercises I could do

As soon as I felt a bit more energetic I tried to do too much and set myself back. I hadn't realised how much my mental health had taken a battering being at home, isolated from my friends and colleagues, and lacking my usual routine and endorphins of exercise. I paid my first visit into work and found it completely overwhelming. People were kind and just asking how I was, but it was all too much and I ended up walking around the block, hysterical, having a full blown panic attack. All it took was one small comment about 'If I was back running then I should be back at work' to make my self doubt rise to full force and waves of anxious, low thoughts were overwhelming. Thanks to Ian my friend and colleague for walking beside me during this time,and to my friends and cheerleaders through life who were at the other end of the phone. 

This guilt for being off work, being able to run, fear of judgement amalgamated this week and I really struggled with the balance between looking after myself, and caring what other people think. A wise friend said 'only care about the opinions of people you care about'- my mantra going into week 4. 

Selfie sent to close friends- thank goodness for them.

Week 4 started with a confidence boosting Consultant appointment at the hospital who reassured me that it was absolutely fine to run, running stimulated blood flow and light impact- both really positive things for bone growth, as long as it didn't cause me pain. He also reassured me that mental is as important as physical health, and it was fine to take another couple of weeks off to get myself in order. The physio reinforced this, and said I am recovering twice as quickly as the average person. After last week, these were great things for me to hear. I think the jogging, regular physio, and good food (thanks Sarah O- Thryve Nutrition) for the tips and advice on what foods to eat to promote healthy bones. Thank you also for coming on all of the slow hill runs and walking with me through my tears of impatience. You really are one of a kind. I managed 2 half marathon distances this week with no pain, and my anxiety was reducing as I was able to run more- causing less physical pain too as relaxing whilst running loosened the knots in my back and tightness in my chest (that had been irritating my collarbone). 

Lovely jog with Nicky- my running inspiration

Eventually getting into the hills- it is hard to get perspective from the ground

Always chasing the views with Nadine- my runner soul sister

First run without a sling- a few laughs, a few tears, good for building my confidence thank you Sarah.

Week 5 was a funny one. I started to consider the Marathon again, and felt inspired by my friend Nicky who gave me strength to believe that I could at least start it with no expectations, and can drop out if I needed to. My anxiety had been really bad this past week since going into work, so I wanted to try and make myself socialise a bit more, as I think it was worse when in the house on my own. So I made myself a t-shirt highlighting my broken collarbone, and went to Park Run. What a confidence boost this was!! I was OK, people gave me lots of space, were very supportive, and I got to see my friends. I started to feel the clouds lift. The latter half of this week was somewhat more difficult, as one of my running friends had commited suicide and their funeral was this week. It made me frustrated that there is still such a stigma around mental health, having felt misunderstood and isolated during this period of recovery as I was physically looking well, smiling and getting outside, some people that don't know me as well were quick to judge. I felt pretty motivated to go and run this marathon now. And to celebrate all of the things I can do rather than focusing on the things I can't. Life is too short. I am not sure if anyone is reading this and feeling cynical, but if you are, I am aware that a collarbone break isn't that bad, and could have been way worse, but when in the depths of a low mood- it can be hard to see the sunshine even though you know it is there. 

When Life gives you lemons...make lemonade. Inspired by Lucy Gossage.

Anxious thoughts can be put in perspective when with a good friend.

Bought the gear... now I HAD to finish it

5 weeks and 4 days after the break... I RAN BERLIN MARATHON!!!! I didn't just run it, I ran it in 3 hours and 38 minutes and 14 seconds. A PB by about 30 seconds! I felt relaxed, I smiled the WHOLE way round, I thought about my friend who's funeral I had been to, and those friends and family that have supported me through this injury and I enjoyed every minute of it. I wore my t-shirt again, and people were really respectful and ran around me without bumping into me. I stopped to walk and stretch my arm and back every 15 minutes. I cried my wee eyes out over the finish line. I CAN do it. It WAS good for me. I will be OK. 

 
 

I am still not quite there mentally, as you will know if you get anxious thoughts or low moods, they don't just disappear, but running is my therapy. And so are my friends and family. I am on phased return back to work now and want people to know why I took my time coming back. I go through phases of feeling embarassed, like I have failed, like I should be stronger and just 'get a grip', and then I remember to be kind to myself. And we should talk about mental health. Because it's important. 

So thank you. Thanks for reading to the end of this blog (likely just my closest family and friends who knew it all anyway). Thanks to Cat and Emma for being my absolute cheerleaders. To Claire, Dad and Matthew for all of the voice notes and messages of encouragement. To Nicky, Sarah O, Nadine and Myrah for running with me or driving me to a scenic run spot when I needed the support and to get out of the house. To Lizi for the facetime calls from across the world. To Heather and Jim for coming round with emergency meals. To mum for coming to Berlin with me and being my rock.To all of my other friends and family who have been patient, understanding and supportive every step. I love you all and I have appreciated it all. I know I still have a long road of recovery ahead but it is that bit brighter knowing I have you all walking it with me too :) 

Finally a tiny soppy shout out to Phil. Getting married in 6 months, and if this wasn't a test to see if we were meant to be then I don't know what would be. Unable to do anything for myself, I have been low, emotional, unable to give Phil the companionship that he deserves and he has been calm, patient, given me a hug when I needed to cry, cooked me lovely meals and never judged. And I have been hard work I can tell you. Phil- I am one lucky lady and I am so glad I get to spend my life with you (hopefully with no more broken bones!). Thank you x

Love my motivational jewellry from Momentum Jewellry- Thanks Emelie for that, and Danni and Claire for my other get well bracelets- they powered me through the race!